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A/N- . WHEE its horrible!!
I do not own Naruto.
The whole thing started with a mission. Yes, a mission. Something boring, and unimportant as the leader pointed it out to both him and his mentally incompetent partner. Deidara frowned at this. Why the corner store? What could possibly be of any use there? Better yet, what on earth was preventing the almost vampiric bastard from simply getting off his lazy, useless ass and getting his starburst himself?
He had been enjoying his day before this, sitting on the couch, eating pretzel sticks while watching the steady re-runs of Dawson's Creek. Now he was going to miss the next episode because of that bastard. His eyes slid to Tobi. Who hopped steadily in his seat like some sort of rabbit on speed.
"CAN I GET ANYTHING?!" He roared to the leader, without stopping to pause, not even for the breath he so desperately needed. "Can I have a soda, or a popsicle, or a beanbag chair, or a.."
"No, Tobi, let me assure you this is a mission of great importance." The leader scoffed. He actually thought he was fooling anyone? Since when are skittles or starburst of great importance? "This is not a mission for you to blow all your money like some rich teenage girl."
Wonderful way to put it, yeah? Deidara pondered as he sat there, barely moving in his seat. The idiot probably did not hear a word of it.
The leader sorted through his cloak pockets for a moment. Then even more moments, before pulling out a single dollar bill. Deidara stared blankly as he passed it. He grabbed it by the very edge.
"Be careful. Starbursts cost exactly seventy-five cents, bring back exactly twenty-five cents or pay the consequences."
Deidara pocketed the money with a frown. The leader was acting like Kakuzu for some odd reason. He nodded to Tobi weakly, and they were off.
-
Well, going to a convenience store is supposed to be a simple, quick deed. But Today was not Deidara's day, not to say Deidara thought he had a day to begin with. However today seemed to get particularly horrible, so if it was anyone's day it had to be Tobi's. Only his day could truly be this terrible.
The door let out a screech of a ring as it slid open. Deidara acting as nonchalant as he possibly could. (After all he was a wanted criminal, no matter what 7/11 you happen to be in.)
The person at the counter was an odd looking chap. Wearing glasses he looked much like some four-eyed Cousin It, due to the massive over-use of facial hair. He looked at Deidara. Deidara looked back. He walked up to the counter.
"Welcome to 7/11, wouldsh you liksh a shmotthie?"
"What?" Deidara muttered, confused.
"Wouldsh yous liksha shmooothie?"
"What?" He asked again. That was some horrible accent. Not to mention Deidara couldn't recall how he learned such great english anyways. He shook his head. "Where is the candy aisle?"
Pause. All Mr Cousin It Who Works at 7/11 acknowledged is that this adult male was asking where the candy aisle was. He gave him a almost disturbed glance. He then pointed right behind Deidara, who, sighed and swerved around.
Well, that confusion could have been avoided, yeah.
He took the dollar from his pocket and swerved it around. To free himself from temptation he passed it over to Tobi who scrolled the aisles frantically for no apparent reason.
May he regret the moment he asked Tobi to hold onto something to prevent his own temptations.
Deidara grabbed the starbursts, then sighed.
"Mission complete, Tobi, all we have to do know is pay, mm?"
No reply. Tobi was never that quiet. Something was terribly, terribly wrong. "Tobi, you idiot, answer me! Mm!"
"Nighshy Nine shence."
Deidara froze. He should have seen it coming. Dear lord, why couldn't he see it coming? His eyes shot up to see Tobi holding one of those ice cream sandwiches.
It was five seconds before Tobi would face the wrath of Deidara.
"What the hell did you just do?!" He roared, angrily. Shaking Tobi by the neck. "YOU FRIKING JACKASS!"
"I bought...a...sandwich...SEMPAI!" He cheered after he separated himself finally. "You gave me a dollar to spend!"
"I GAVE IT TO YOU TO HOLD YOU IDIOT!"
-Five minutes later-
"Can I borrow a dollar, yeah?"
"What, so you can go buy a beer?"
Another failed attempt to get the money back. Deidara was slowly get more and more infuriated. He threw a rock, nailing that last man in the head as he walked away.
"A DOLLAR WON'T BUY A BEER YOU CHEAP ASS!" The man fell to the ground. He'd surely be alright later. Surely. Even though Deidara couldn't care less.
Maybe he could use some of his clay. He reached into his pocket. All his clay was gone. He left it, how could he do that? Why would god punish him this way? It was so unfair. He eyed a passing woman. A fairly old woman. There were other ways of recieving money on the streets in front of general stores. Deidara grinned to himself. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. He ran up to her and gripped her by the back of her leathery neck.
"I have a gun, give me your wallet before I blow you into the next world, yeah."
Maybe things started getting out of hand there. The next thing Deidara knew was that he was getting pepper sprayed in the face. That evil old bitch! He rubbed his eyes frantically, moaning in pain as the old bag beat him with her purse. More or less it felt like a brick was hitting him in the face while red hot pokers stabbed him in the eyes. He heard sirens and almost had a mental breakdown.
Who called the cops? His eyes, finally clearing, and dodging the blows to his head he noticed there were only three people in parking lot. He, the old lady who was too occupied to call the police, and some guy who was working on his car. He didn't appear to acknowledge their existence, Deidara couldn't blame him, he had a really nice Ferrari.
"Wait, where is Tobi, yeah?"
He received another blow to the head. Just as the Cops pulled in. He certainly knew he wasn't going to prison anytime soon. One of them came out talking about a domestic disturbance and the old lady started jabbering and Deidara was freaking out. Then he saw them. The beautiful keys hanging out of Ferrari man's pockets. This could be his golden opportunity. As the man reached down for car soap, Deidara whisked over, snatching the keys out of his pocket, and leaping into the Ferrari. The man looked up and beat on the window as the door slammed screaming inaudible curses as the cops turned and pointed.
Which is why Deidara hit the accelerator.
-
To sum up a long story, the chase went pretty smoothly for a bit. About five cars behind him. A few pedestrian casualties, but no biggie. He looked back to see they were pretty far behind. It was time to ditch the car. He slammed the brakes and...
He slammed the brakes and...
Wait, he was still going? Why on earth was the car still moving? He hit the brakes again, once again resulting in nothing. Then hit hit him. His brakes were cut! Oh dear lord? How the hell could this be explained? Focusing on this too much he missed the fact some person had just rammed him. Causing him to speed wildly out of control. Causing him to run a red him to slam into about ten other cars. Causing a few gore filled moments of panic and terror.
One may ask, how did Deidara possibly survive this? Why he was wearing a seatbelt. All those stupid commercials, all those seemingly pointless tickets he had neglected paying..(Speeding, as if!) He unsnapped his seat belt and slipped away. though he really had no idea where exactly he was.
-
It was like a slum or something. The buildings were ratty, graffiti everywhere and people wore torn and dirty clothing as they slinked into the alleys. Some guy pointed over to him once, signaling he come over.
"What, yeah?"
"Hey..buddy, you want some of this strong shit I got?"
Deidara paused. Just slightly confused is all. He twitched slightly. Knowing by the end of this day his hair would either turn white or entirely fall out.
"What?" He asked, oddly.
"Buddy, you a cop?"
"No."
"Then buy some of this shit I'm selling, man, c'mon. Be cool.."
Deidara turned and walked off like this cretin wasn't even talking to him. Like he was going to buy some crack, honestly. What you thought Deidara didn't know? He had his fair share of street experiences. Why buy crack when marijuana was cheaper? See it's a good save of money. Who says you have to be a girl to care about price value?
Two hours of walking through this dump and he was already sick of it. He had been hit on numerous times. Not by women, either. Where do these lowlifes get off calling him a girl? Deidara knew he most certainly was not a girl. At least he thought he knew. He was pretty sure which sex was which.
So he was a bit down on his luck today. Some guy asked him if he wanted a job in the "entertainment" business. When he refused, understanding exactly what this creep meant by "entertainment business" he got a bit mad. Started calling him a stupid whore ass bitch. For reasons beyond any human comprehension since he just denied wanting to be a whore. Once again, also, he still wasn't a girl.
The guy drew a gun and then shot at Deidara. Once again barely surviving such things.
Then some thugs on the other side heard the bullets, and decided the people on Deidara's side of the street were issuing a challenge, then all went to chaos. People shooting back and forth like mad lunatics, not even hitting the other people! Just shooting for the sake of shooting. Perhaps acknowledging immense gore was not child material? Whatever.
How pointless. They were just ruining already ruined buildings! Pathetic. He felt something suddenly. Then swerved around to see the guy who just as one would say. "Improperly touched him on the ass". Well. there was no point in emphasizing that. It was self-explanatory. Why was the guy wearing a hood even? Deidara would have strangled him if not for those accursed sirens. The cops were back again. The hooded guy who grabbed his ass took off and before Deidara could even catch him he blacked out.
The next thing he knew he as being handcuffed on the hood of a cop car. How did that possibly happen? He didn't hear anyone else behind him. He passed it off as a plot device.
"You have the right to remain...line!"
Something about this brute of a cop was familiar. However, due to the fact his head was slammed on some car. Deidara couldn't recognize him. The voice, perhaps? Ah screw it.
"The right to remain silent, idiot." The other cop behind the one shoving him to the car answered.
"Shut the hell up." Growled the idiot who was asking the question. Showing no thanks for the other cops assistance in the slightest. "If you give up the right to remain..um...yeah..silent...it..will, you know what, screw it! You're going to jail so thats all you need to really fucking know."
"In other words you forgot the rest, yeah." Deidara spat out, getting a knee in his back. He seared slightly. "Hey that hurt you cop bastard, yeah!"
This only resulting in Deidara once again getting kicked in the backside.
"You're being arrested for jaywalking, robbery, grand theft auto, hit and run, capital murder, and possession of cocaine and cocaine accessories."
"Now I can explain...what? I'm not holding anything."
"Sir, we found a bag of the drug in your back pocket, as well as what appears to be a crack pipe?"
"You..lying sonuva.."
He got another kick in the back. How could this get worse. Didn't all this start with a thing of starburst? Why was Dei's life such a living hell? He groaned. It was less infuriating if he told himself it was all Tobi's fault.
-
"Sempai, are you really getting death row?"
Deidara twitched in an unsightly fashion. Out of all the visitors to send. Why did it have to be Tobi of all people? Why not someone useful who could possibly break him out? Thats a laugh.
"Sempai."
"Yes, Tobi. In Three months."
"Wow, can I come?"
"Tobi?"
"What sempai?"
"I hate you. I hate you with every fiber of my being. Yeah."
There was a pause and Tobi started to laugh. "Good one, sempai. You had me going there!"
Yes, I'm a wonderful actor, aren't I?
"Hey, sempai! I can break you outta here!" He jeered suddenly. He pulled a small box from his pocket. slipping it through the talk screen. Deidara sighed.
"Tobi, if you think I can get whatever the hell this is through the guards you're.."
"I know a place you can hide it!"
Deidara paused. "No...no no no no."
-
He stared at the box. This soo should be worth what he just did to get it in. He glanced over to his three roomates. A psychotic wormy guy named Gin, who had multiple personalities. About seventy to be exact. All of them women. Only Gin himself acted like a guy. The other a "supposedly" ex rogue shinobi. Her name was Lili and she weighed about five hundred pounds. She kept staring over at Deidara. He looked back at the small box.
He shook as he opened it. Then he froze upon seeing what it was.
Why a diamond ring? If Tobi were there at the moment he would swiftly be strangled. Plus he just recalled at the moment that Tobi had entirely ditched him at the seven eleven.
A ring. What the hell was he going to possibly do with it?
-A month later-
Waiting...waiting..waiting. And he still had that stupid ring. With no purpose. Somewhere he thought he was going insane. No, that's impossible. He was brimming with sanity. In fact he decided from that moment everytime he thought something like that. He would make a scratch in his bed, that would prove himself he wasn't crazy.
Yes, wonderfully, wonderfully sane.
It had to be the ring. That horrible thing. He glared and tossed it blindly across the cell.
For some reason not hearing a thud.
"Oh my god, I will!" Said a porky voice. Then Deidara realized what he had just invoked. He looked up to see Lili looking up at him in awe.
-Several hours later-
"I now pronounce you husband and wife."
- two months later.-
Lili sobbed as they took him away and he was at least happy to be away from her. Still a bit curious on why everyone who did these things were wearing cloaks. Everywhere he went. Cloak after cloak after cloak. What were they vampires? All behold Deidara, thinking about pointless things till the end.
They brought him out to the hill. Only seeing..more people in cloaks?
What was wrong with these people? Only the people actually imprisoned weren't wearing them. Were their faces that disfigured?
The main executioner guy. (Before you ask, yes he was cloaked.) Brought out the knife. Not just any knife. Some huge butcher knife like something you'd see in a serial killer movie. Making Deidara think to how at this moment he could have been eating chips and watching one of those moments. He scanned the huge audience of Seven people plus Tsunade. He sighed and closed his eyes.
He felt the blade slash his neck but for some reason he wasn't dead.
Nor did he feel any pain from thus swipe. Which was expected from a plastic stage prop. Deidara paused.
"Just what the hell is going on here, yeah?" He growled, as one of the cloaked guys nearly fell to the ground.
"Happy birthday, sempai!" one of them roared. "You should have seen the look on your face!"
Deidara paused, as the group uncloaked themselves, the executioner revealing himself to be Hidan.
"You bought the whole thing!" Tsunade gagged, was she drunk or something. The whole gang was here. "To think I got my entire gambling debt paid off just to do this!"
Deidara twitched. It isn't..
The whole thing was revealed to him. The leader told them to was expecting to get the bill so he could waste it. Tobi called the cops. Itachi cut the brake cable on the Ferrari so he would crash. Zetsu planted the cocaine and crack pipe by making Deidara think he grabbed his ass. Which was very awkward by the way. Hidan disguised himself as a cop and arrested him. Tobi gave him the ring so he would get married. Falsely, of course. Kakuzu was the minister.
The cause of all this? What wonderful excuse could they use for such horrible misdeeds done to their comrade?
Birthdays, they say. All that because of some stupid birthday.
He faked a laugh.
"So I'm not really married, yeah?"
All the laughter stopped. Deidara's fake laughter fading.
"Actually, a few hundred years ago I was a priest so.."
Deidara paused. Then shook in horror.
"But isn't this a wonderful birthday surprise, sempai?" Tobi grinned.
"Tobi...my birthday was six months ago."
"What?"
"My..birthday...was...six..months...ago...you...stupid...son..of..a...bitch."
"Yeah."
There was an awkward pause. A very long one.
"Oh, shit dude..I am soo...sorry..." Hidan started. "Now I feel bad about putting that crap in your food..."
"You guys can all die."
Tsunade raised a hand, interrupting this wonderful family moment.
"I know you paid my debts and all, but now you guys all have to go to jail again."
-Four minutes later-
Then after all that all of Akatsuki was put in jail. Then they lived miserably for the rest of their god-forsaken lives. Why? Because I don't feel like writing an ending. It's called being lazy.
The end.
ah well.