FanFiction.Net - Twisted Biscuit's fanfiction

A Histrionic Prat By Any Other Name…

2007-10-30T16:37:59-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: Parody/Humor
Pairing: Tom R. Jr. & Fenrir G.
Chapters: 1, Words: 3,332, Reviews: 35 Updated: 10-30-07, Published: 10-30-07
Status: Complete

In his fifth year at Hogwarts, Tom Riddle concocts a new name for himself. A name which no one is ever allowed to use... Yes, because THAT sounds practical, Tom.

A Sarcastic Git's Golden Rules at Hogwarts

2007-10-30T16:26:48-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: Humor/General
Pairing: Theodore N.
Chapters: 29, Words: 38,684, Reviews: 240 Updated: 10-30-07, Published: 3-9-06
Status: In-Progress

Hogwarts has a Sarcastic Little Git inside it’s walls. That Sarcastic Little Git is deeply disgruntled. In an effort to strike out against those who annoy him [read:everybody], he is posting mocking and vaguely offensive “Guidelines” on the notice boards.

Cockandbull Correspondence from the Cupboard

2007-10-30T16:24:36-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: Humor/General
Pairing: Draco M. & Dudley D.
Chapters: 4, Words: 16,017, Reviews: 38 Updated: 10-30-07, Published: 6-3-07
Status: Complete

Draco Malfoy, War Hero apparently, goes into hiding in the cupboard under the stairs of Number 4 Privet Drive. This is a record of his ordeal, in his own words. The veracity of his words is, naturally, open to debate...

Courting Dobby

2007-09-15T13:51:06-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: Humor/General
Pairing: Lucius M. & Narcissa M.
Chapters: 2, Words: 5,998, Reviews: 28 Updated: 9-15-07, Published: 8-30-07
Status: In-Progress

After the events of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Lucius Malfoy has to deal with one or two rather serious problems. His dismissal from the Board of Governors, a rogue Houseelf who knows too much, his shambolic PR... and oh yes, his irate wife.

You Can Put Me In Prison

2007-08-23T17:24:22-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: General/Humor
Pairing: Kingsley S. & N. Tonks
Chapters: 1, Words: 3,332, Reviews: 11 Updated: 8-23-07, Published: 8-23-07
Status: Complete

Whilst still abiding in Azkban Prison, Stan Shunpike reflects on life, love, and the perils of blackmarket wristwatches...

One Flogged Horse aka An Overused Plotline

2007-08-23T17:18:42-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: General/Humor
Pairing: Tom R. Jr. & Minerva M.
Chapters: 3, Words: 11,600, Reviews: 46 Updated: 8-23-07, Published: 7-26-07
Status: In-Progress

Parody. Tom Riddle mysteriously gets his hands on the Harry Potter books. Rather than just make pithy observations, he decides to do something about his future. As for those whose futures are flushed down the toilet... well, who really cares about them?

The Best Muggle Cesspit This Side O' Hackney

2007-06-03T09:53:27-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: General
Pairing: Andromeda T.
Chapters: 1, Words: 1,526, Reviews: 14 Updated: 6-3-07, Published: 6-3-07
Status: Complete

A very short piece. Andromeda Black: the morning after she was disowned. She's clueless, penniless and completely alone. And the tea's horrible too.

A Quizzical Endeavour

2007-06-03T09:47:03-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: T
Genres: General/Humor
Pairing: Harry P. & Draco M.
Chapters: 4, Words: 19,882, Reviews: 99 Updated: 6-3-07, Published: 10-7-06
Status: In-Progress

After You Know Who's return, shortly before the permanent removal of Professor Umbridge, the Ministry attempt to promote House Unity. They do so in the only way they know how: With paperwork. Which should go brilliantly, of course...

A Thousand Twitterpated Twits

2006-12-14T16:40:53-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: T
Genres: Parody/Humor
Pairing: Minerva M. & I. Karkaroff
Chapters: 2, Words: 7,710, Reviews: 37 Updated: 12-14-06, Published: 12-11-06
Status: In-Progress

Despite of what logic may lead you to believe: there's a Veela at Hogwarts. For one week this vision of loveliness shall ensnare every male at Hogwarts with her feminine wiles or, um, something. Who is this enchantress? Minerva McGonagall.

Time Capsule

2006-12-05T16:44:33-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: T
Genres: Humor/General
Pairing: James P. & Harry P.
Chapters: 10, Words: 52,962, Reviews: 146 Updated: 12-5-06, Published: 1-2-06
Status: In-Progress

Set immediately after OotP. Harry is feeling fairly awful and rather dislikes his father after what he saw him do to Snape. But when Remus sends him a box full of his fathers old notes and journals, Harry starts to see a different side to James

Raymoose Lupin: A name to conjure with

2006-11-21T16:31:45-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: General/Romance
Pairing: Remus L. & Harry P.
Chapters: 1, Words: 12,027, Reviews: 46 Updated: 11-21-06, Published: 11-21-06
Status: Complete

Remus reflects on one Harry James Potter, and how he’s changed over the years from a baby he adored, to a man followed into battle. Also, he can enunciate now.

Just a Random Tuesday…

2006-10-01T15:35:19-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: General/Humor
Pairing: Minerva M. & Dolores U.
Chapters: 3, Words: 57,815, Reviews: 158 Updated: 10-1-06, Published: 8-26-06
Status: Complete

A VERY long Tuesday in the life of Minerva McGonagall. With rampant Umbridgeitis, uncooperative Slytherins, Ministry interventions, an absent Dumbledore and a schoolwide shortage of Hot Cocoa, it’s a wonder she’s as nice as she is.

Watching Raindrops

2006-09-19T15:22:38-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K
Genres: Angst/Romance
Pairing: Alice L. & Frank L.
Chapters: 1, Words: 3,583, Reviews: 12 Updated: 9-19-06, Published: 9-19-06
Status: Complete

Rain can evoke powerful emotions Long forgotten memories can dance to the surface and strength you didn’t you had can reappear. Alice Longbottom learns this the hard way every single time.

Must Be Animal Magnetism… Or Something

2006-09-08T01:34:42-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K
Genres: General/Humor
Pairing: Severus S. & Susan B.
Chapters: 1, Words: 792, Reviews: 14 Updated: 9-8-06, Published: 9-8-06
Status: Complete

Snape’s Valentines Day experience during PoA. With giggling fangirls, bashful Hufflepuffs and sickly cards... Is it any wonder the man hates Valentines? My version of a 100 word drabble

Unwavering Loyalty and Unnecessary Sacrifices

2006-07-01T07:22:23-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: T
Genres: Angst/General
Pairing: Bellatrix L. & Voldemort
Chapters: 1, Words: 2,706, Reviews: 22 Updated: 7-1-06, Published: 7-1-06
Status: Complete

Lord Voldemort reflects on his most loyal follower as he sends her to her death. First person POV.

What do you mean Snape’s not a Studmuffin?

2006-07-01T07:08:23-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: T
Genres: Humor/Romance
Pairing: Pansy P. & Severus S.
Chapters: 1, Words: 3,498, Reviews: 26 Updated: 7-1-06, Published: 7-1-06
Status: Complete

Pansy Parkinson’s little sister has a crush on Snape. Angry, confused, and a little nauseated, Pansy goes searching for her. Only to discover that Lolita’s got nothing on the younger Miss Parkinson…

A Very Malfoy Halloween

2006-05-02T15:52:50-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: General/Humor
Pairing: Narcissa M. & Lucius M.
Chapters: 1, Words: 10,511, Reviews: 16 Updated: 5-2-06, Published: 5-2-06
Status: Complete

Knowing that he has grown to dislike the Holiday in recent years, Narcissa takes her fouryearold son to try an ensure that Lucius has a happy Halloween. Little did she bargain on Snape, incompetent mothers and Draco’s insatiable curiosity.

The Tea Party Of Azkaban

2006-04-26T13:30:58-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: T
Genres: Parody/Humor
Pairing: Bellatrix L. & Rodolphus L.
Chapters: 1, Words: 6,247, Reviews: 25 Updated: 4-26-06, Published: 4-26-06
Status: Complete

Shortly after Sirius’s escape, the occupants of Azkaban Prison get together for a little chat to discuss the latest goings on and the effect this will have on their PR. With tea, Bundt Cake and Pink Dementors. Not for the faint of heart.

To Whom It May Concern…

2006-04-07T13:31:46-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: T
Genres: Angst/General
Pairing: Narcissa M. & Lucius M.
Chapters: 1, Words: 6,388, Reviews: 13 Updated: 4-7-06, Published: 4-7-06
Status: Complete

My name is Narcissa Black, and the following is the story of my life. I do not expect you to believe all of it. I do not expect you to sympathise with any of it. But I do expect you to read it, I do expect you to remember it. DISCONTINUED.

Academic Reasoning

2006-03-31T08:16:53-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: Angst/General
Pairing: Dawn S.
Chapters: 1, Words: 1,659, Reviews: 3 Updated: 3-31-06, Published: 3-31-06
Status: Complete

An answer to the age old question: Why the freaking hell was Dawn carrying a pencil to go make out in the park!

Moonlit Revelations and Simple Pleasures

2006-03-28T11:32:00-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: Romance/General
Pairing: James P. & Lily P.
Chapters: 8, Words: 20,894, Reviews: 21 Updated: 3-28-06, Published: 3-28-06
Status: Complete

Lily is attacked in Hogsmeade and placed inside Shrieking Shack on the night of a full moon. The next day she's faced with some difficult decisions, deals with some hard truths, and has to reassess her views on those around her. [BEING REWRITTEN!]

Never Was, Never Will Be

2005-12-31T07:56:25-08:00

Author: Twisted Biscuit
Category: Harry Potter
Language: English, Fiction Rated: K+
Genres: Romance/Angst
Pairing: Draco M. & Hermione G.
Chapters: 1, Words: 2,067, Reviews: 18 Updated: 12-31-05, Published: 12-31-05
Status: Complete

A quick Draco MalfoyHermione Granger oneshot. Draco reflects on his past and talks to his daughter... I don't own Harry Potter. Or Draco, Hermione, Pansy, or anyone in this fic. Except Lyra. She's mine